My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
