I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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