Did you just see the Batmobile???
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
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