My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
