I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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