I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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