I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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