Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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