I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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