party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
