how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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