honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
