That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
