he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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