I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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