I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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