i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
