Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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