So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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