U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
