When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize