I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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