I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
