the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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