you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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