9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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