I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
