I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
