Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
