Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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