I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
