He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my vag is so smooth its legendary
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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