Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
