Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
