I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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