I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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