Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
