Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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