just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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