awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Randomize
