you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
