Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
