So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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