i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
