He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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