i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
