i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
