She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
