I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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