I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
as a side note pls kill me
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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