then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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