So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
