he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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