i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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