Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm too high and old for this...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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