I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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