my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
