I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize