my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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