I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
