I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
