Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
